By Top Hat
The following game of Celebrity Swap may have averted war for now, but without hockey every day is a time bomb ticking. Quotes have been corrected for spelling and progression. Multi-threaded order has been arranged for optimal flow.Wars are won with ideas not superior resources. One pencil. One piece of paper. The right words and you win.
"Not at all. But for the love of God...take Bieber back..we don't want that mess."
"We keep Ryan Reynolds."
Verboten: Not a chance! And we get William Shatner back. Not negotiable.
"I'll buy every single bottle of Aviation Gin in the world if Vancity Reynolds agrees to stay in America when Canada walls us off."
"Vancity Reynolds is a treasure and he won't be given up without a fight."
Verboten: All of Canada will cry if he leaves. All those tears would flood the great white north. He wouldn't do that to... [sniff sniff]... it's too much to think about. He's gonna stay here. And once we have William Shatner back in Montreal peace and balance will return to the world.
"Keep William Shatner and leave the syrup."
"Maybe we can work out a trade. Take Shatner, Jim Carrey, and Seth Rogan. We keep Ryan, and if we can also have Gosling, we'll agree to keep the Biebs."
Verboten: Justin Bieber (and his bank account) comes home, too. You can keep Seth Rogen and Jim Carrey cause they need the Cali Kush to stay sane-ish. Ryan Gosling goes to Manitoba to raise moral. What about Keanu?
"I can't part with Keanu, either. Shit. This is too hard. I guess we just have to go to war!"
"We need Keanu Reeves on our side first. If he is we can't lose."
"Here's a deal. We keep Bieber and Reynolds. You get everyone else and we'll reform the Montreal Expos. We use Keanu as a peace keeper between us."
"I'd pay you to take Rogen and Carrey. If we have to keep them, you'd have to take Kevin Spacey off our hands. I'm willing to put De Niro on the board, too, and Depp and Clooney. Matt Damon and Brad Pitt are untouchable. We have Tom Cruise."
Verboten: Ryan Gosling for Tom Cruise! Deal?
"NO WAY! Gosling is amazing, but he's worth maybe a Ben Affleck at MOST!"
Verboten: I'll consider Kevin Smith... but until I see the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League I'm making no decision involving Affleck.
"Why is this so much fun? The quarantine has broken our brains. Affleck brothers as a signing bonus to make the deal now, and for Keanu, I may be willing to part with Leo. It's a tough call, though. I mean, it's Leo."
Verboten: No can do! Keanu's too enigmatic. Let's just leave him off the board. If I tried to trade Keanu I'd be shot by morning.
"Please, leave Keanu out of this."
"Leo, bro, same risk for me."
Verboten: We might have something here! lol I might be interested in Depp? Would you take Ryan Stiles for him?
"NO! lol. Depp is easily worth a Gosling or even a Leslie Nielson."
Even dead celebrities can be traded!
Verboten: Ya, but this isn't Captain Jack Sparrow anymore... it's the "cucked by the hot red head" Depp. Depp for Drake. That's the best I can do. Now I'm just spitballing here but who would you want for Kanye West? We want him bad!
"I'll take Drake, deal. Kanye has unique value. His mental breakdowns alone are worthy of awards. Music and artistic ability aside. I'd have to consult with the board."
And that's how you play celebrity swap. It's not as fun as hockey, but it's something the whole family can enjoy! Post links to your best games in the comments below.
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