A king without a throne doesn't know joy or peace. Condemned to share a bathroom with the queen... nowhere to hide from the family. It's terrifying!
In the 5th episode of season 3 of Married With Children, Al Bundy reveals that the Ferguson toilet is his favourite toilet and that as a boy he promised himself he'd one day own a Ferguson just like his dad.
Founded in 1953 by Charles Ferguson, Ralph Lenz, and Johnny Smither, the Ferguson Enterprises began with a modest $165,000 starting capital. Ferguson's first two locations opened in Colmar Manor, Md., a suburb of Washington D.C., and Birmingham, Ala., for the purpose of servicing smaller plumbing contractors.
No matter how bad your day goes at the shoe store, there's always someone who's got it worse. Someone who doesn't have a Ferguson. They sit down and test the water temperature. The bowls too low. The flush is too weak. You're surrounded by powders, and oils, and.. and... soap! The cold over-sized sink "stylishly" protruding from a tiny cabinet keeps bumping against your leg and you can't reach a magazine. You open a drawer in search of your gun so you can finally end your sentence and what do you find instead? Feminine hygiene products!
It's time to sit down and whisper, "NO MA'AM!".
This is wisdom passed from father to son.
"Bud, let me tell you the story of the Ferguson. Now these babies were made in Maine, you know, at the little Ferguson factory. It's the Stradivarius of toilets and my dad could play it like a violin."
Where's the newspaper?
A man forced to share a bathroom with his wife fights for every inch... [his wife doesn't want]! How? Chili dogs, beans, Enchiladas. Nachos with LOTS of processed cheese. Drink hot sauce straight from the bottle. I'm talking scorched earth. If you play a low enough tune; paint a loud enough mural, the family'll soon beg you to build your own bathroom. As far away as possible... victory! Almost... this is a process. A hero's journey. For a boy seeks his manhood in claiming his throne.
"I'll never forget the time my dad took me on a trip to Maine to visit the factory. I had to go to the bathroom and I begged him to pull into a truck stop, but he said 'No. Wait till we get there. It'll be worth it.' ... It was!"
Oh, it isn't cheap, but you get what you pay for. Your wife was free! Now think for a minute. If you don't control your own toilet then you don't control your own bathroom. If you don't control your own bathroom then what have you got?!? Nothing! You've got nothing! You're fruit on the vine waiting to be picked off by a wee forest creature. Next you won't be cutting the turkey, or manning the BBQ. Another powerless, helpless, little boy without a man's toilet.
"The toilets today aren't worthy of the name. They come in designer colors and they're too low. And when you flush them, they make this little weak, almost apologetic sound. Not the Ferguson. It only comes in white. And when you flush it, 'BA-WOOSH'. That's a man's flush, Bud. A Ferguson says, 'I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot'."
You know what to do. Hide money... before you take it home for the vultures. Every little crumb counts. I know money doesn't grow on trees that's why you might have to secretly moonlight. Mow some lawns, clean some gutters, there is no job dirtier than sharing a bathroom with your wife. Keep that goal firmly in mind as you flip another burger at your weekend drive-in gig. Whatever it takes... cause you deserve a "man's flush".
"Oh, if only a Ferguson could speak the tales it would tell... and now I've got one of my very own. I just wish - [Sniff] dad could be alive - [Wipes tears]"
Stop by your local hardware stores just to look at the toilet you want. Even if it's just a display picture. Buy some two by fours and pile them in the garage. Next week you'll have enough for the screws. The week after you're framing a corner near the stairs for your own bathroom close to the plumbing access you recently discovered when the water line broke during a visit from the in-laws.
Your family may call you crazy at this point. They may try to reflexively deter you with ridicule, but you mustn't give in. As your family tries to drag you back into the pits of pink hell always remember you'll be redeemed in the holy waters of your very own Ferguson. While they suffer the torment of low water pressure you will float blissfully unaware. A waterfall of satisfaction will wash away your troubles.
Fun Tip: If you really want a good laugh try rewatching Married With Children w/ a Millennial? Gen Z? Whichever is the generation who's head explodes when someone makes a fat woman joke is the one you wanna watch it with!
"You know what it's like sharing with a woman... or in my case, Peg...tubes of Nair where the tooth paste should be...bottles of vinegar laying around. I mean what do they do in there? Make a salad?" Al shows his neighbour, Steve, the shell of his new bathroom in the garage.
Steve: Why do you need a razor if you don't have a sink?
Al: It's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind. Look over here. this is my own design. My four roll toilet paper dispenser. No more running out in crucial situations. When the bomb drops I'm set.
Your neighbours are eating steak again tonight... the kids'll move out soon and your wife shortly after, but your Ferguson is gonna be there for the long haul. It'll never fail you. Your all-weather friend, trusted and true... in your deepest moments of need rest assured you'll never feel the dishonour of splash back again. Not even when you stick the landing from the door. Tested up to 10 meters of run and jump. That's a Ferguson.